Just life

ArGh ArGh ArGh... haiZ... why... but the site just dun work with the midi, sigh... nice midi though (last song) :P .
Btw ppl pls get away from me... I'm a freak, a beast , a monster. I hurt, I harm, I destroy... Will i eventually hurt the ones I treasure most, or is it just a temporary "me". Will I ever see the light? Or am I fated I be so ?
I crave.. I crave blood, I crave sadism.. though not on real practice.. Am I mad? I get more and more confused.. why..??
Am I read from this web? will ppl distant me? why.. Am I corrupted, should I cry? Or is this the real me, the bornt me?
Halloween? I dunno.. well, I actually hate social Norms. I like my way, no matter how old, how weird.. I love Dir En Grey. I love X - Japan. I love the way they express themselves, the freedom of speech thru songs (both ballads and rock) , thru their MTV , thru their clothings. They roX.

Madness Grows, desire grows.. I am splited into two. One "Myself", One "Me". I reflect myself and me upon the mirror, I see two totally different persons. Two Souls trapped in a helpless body. Sharing the same experiences, though having different thoughts. But one thing is common. Both do not wish to hurt.

What Am I ?

Artist: Dir en Grey
Title: Cage
music: Kyo
words: Kaoru

I'm growing impatient, drawing the blood of the masochist, I wait for you, the sadist.
if it's possible, with a poison kiss...
Unable to see virtue in the meaning of my sorrow, in you the last mother,
I bury the memory so that you can not notice first mother.
even if the clock spins to the left, sins committed can't be changed,
in the beginning I imprint the final sympathizer.

look at the me being unwilling, fiercely and then gently, a forced decision
which I can't say I've made to you.

the sound of creaking leather hurts, the wounds go deep.
deeply jealous will you always be this cold blooded ?
even now I don't want to forget the abuse of my youth.
Why don't I have a mother ? Tell me.

Someday I'll notice the kindness in the "crib" that became my patron mother.

Before I couldn't see the reason for my bitterness, in my final mother
so that at least you don't notice first mother.
even if the clock spins to the left, sins committed can't be changed
in the beginning the last sympathizer was destroyed.
I wonder if you are too gentle to me ? relfecting a trauma from long ago
Am I who destroys to the last you a sadist ?

haiz.. sianZ.. after reading several blogs and opendiary.. I dunno how to comment.. stress, unable to click, complains, other views on life.. starting to understand my class better. But feeling sad within, witnessing and feeling all the things that all my lassmates are going through. Mixed feelings ( I can even feel my heavy heart beating through out my body).. Will I ever learn ? will I ever understand? intelligence have bought happiness and sorrow to the human kind. then is intelligence holy or evil? benefiting or degrading? haiZ.. lets leave this question for some philioFer (sorry Fer.. I dunno how to spell).

looking at myself.. what have I achieve? basically nothing.. haiZ... why? why am I here on Earth ? To understand and feel pain ? Or is it possible to make Earth a better place to live in ? I hope so~.. if the world can be a better place through praying or anything. I am willing to try it. If I have the chance.

Which part of life am I going thru now, am I only going to grow up, hopefully married, contribute economically to any country and die? Its kinda stupid dun you think ? Furthermore modernatising the society, causing harm to Earth, killing animals, polluting, destorying. Are we justify to do all this ? Survival of the fittest ? Or a fairytale of love is around the world? Argh. I am tearing my own mind apart.. argh argh argh..

What is love ? where is the love ? Is love the meaning of life? Or just a Extra innate emotion within us ? what will happen to love after u die ? Is there Heaven ? Is there Hell ?

Typing and typing, that what I can do now. Learning F = ma , dy/dx , politics , haber process , to kill a mocking bird , sparse bush , japanese occuption and whatever.. what is it for ??? earn $$ earn $$, earn until die also not happy~~.

Haiz what the heck.. think so much, later brains explode.. sianZ.. hopefully I will find the answer in the future.

*The Last Song* By X- japan (translation)

Watching the stars till they're gone.
Like an actor all alone.
Who never knew the story he was in.
who never knew the story ends.
Like the sky reflecting my heart.
All the colours become visible.
When the morning begins,
I'll read the last line...

Endless rain, embraces me. Night approaches morning.
My heart is not yet soaked.

In endless rain, I've been walking.
Like a poet feeling pain
Trying to find the answers,
trying to hide the tears.
But it was a circle
that never ends.
When the rain stops, I'll turn the page,
the page of the first chapter...

I'm only hurt. Hurt me.
The answer I should have understood. Why am I still asking the question.

Am I wrong to he hurt?
Am I wrong to feel pain?
Am I wrong to be in the rain?
Am I wrong to wish the night won't end?
Am I wrong to cry?
But I know, it's not wrong to sing the last song,
cause forever fades...

lf I wake up again, I'll gaze at the night sky alone.
Our memories fade away little by little.
I'm only hurt. Hurt me.
The answer I should have understood. Why am I still asking the question.

I see red.
I see blue.
But the silver lining, gradually takes over.
When the morning begins,
I'll be in the next chapter.

Endless rain embraced me.
Night approaches morning, my heart is not yet soaked.
I'm only hurt. Hurt me.
The answer I should have understood.
Why am I still asking the question.

Btw, hopefully ppl would not be prejudice to songs they dun understand, because they are equally beautiful as other songs of other languages.

Wah SianZ.... everytime I do something new to my blog my title changes to $%&^#$%#$%&%^& fonts... argh argh argh... si bei ma fan.... sianZ... but anyways I think it is nice ~ haha~.. well hope others like it too `~! I feel happy about my blog! yeah! dunno ler just feeling very shuang to have a blog~ haha

today's a long day... plentiful minor happenings. Argh my waist still hurts, and the feelings sucks. I enjoyed playing Bball though, but probably the ppl who played could cut down a bit on the aggression ( a bit Scary). first time really writing something into my blog... Should I be truthful to it ? I dunno... Or will I just hurt someone in the process ( I hope not )? I am afraid I will do that .. argh .. dilemma.. argh.. haha .. Mr. Two-face.. Am I evil or good ?
haha.. Today's DC sucks and Roxs at the same time. Well, the teacher sucked and RoXy (YiXiang) rocked. Haha, teaching the 03s74 tio DC ppl the art of sleeping with the eyes open. RoXy skill~. haha.. I guess it is super useful in the army.. haha ..
( sorry my England SuCkS)

Thank you everyone in the world that have helped me through my life...
every single one that I have met. thank you.

haha dull and plain..
sucky boh..
dunno how to make haha..
sianZ..
恐れと恐れられている

hello blog.